Monday, Dec. 03, 2001 Michael Loves Whitney It's been widely reported in the press this week that Michael Jackson has offered to help Whitney Houston through her current *ahem* 'difficult time'. One way to describe a raging cocaine addiction I suppose. Anyway, since I always aim to bring you the latest gossip on this diary, the Edna Enterprises Espionage Section has been hard at work so we can present a transcript of a telephone call between New York and the Neverland Ranch...... MJ: Whitney? It's Michael, Michael Jackson. Remember at my tribute show you mentioned you'd like to come and stay at Neverland for a while? WH: *sniff* Uh, I did? Shit. Uh, yeah, Michael *sniff*. MJ: I know you're having a hard time at the moment Whitney and as a fellow black artiste I'd like to do anything I could to help. WH: YOU'RE BLACK!!!!!!!!! MJ: What? WH: Uh, I said 'you're back', *sniff*, uh, love the new album Michael. MJ: Why thank you Whitney. Now are you going to come and visit me at Neverland? I don't get many guests these days after all that unpleasantness a few years back and I'm so bored playing Ludo with Liz Taylor. She cheats, you know. WH: *sniff* Uh, yeah, sure Michael - uh, Liz won't be there will she? MJ: Oh yes, Liz is my best friend and she's a big fan of yours. WH: Fucking brilliant *sniff*. MJ: Wow, Whitney, it sounds like you've got a really heavy head cold there.... WH: Actually it's not a head cold Michael, I'm snorting up a new batch that Bobby brought home this morning. It's a race to get it up my nose before he gets back from the emergency room. MJ: Yeah Whitney. You do know drugs are very, very bad Whitney. I know how awful addiction can be. It was such a terrible time when I was hooked on those terrible painkillers. WH: *sniiiiiiifffff* JESUS CHRIST, YES MOMMA! WOOOO TAKE ME TO HEAVEN BABY! MJ: ........................ WH: Yeah, Michael, your 'painkiller' addiction. I don't know how to tell you this, but popping three anadin and freaking out does not fucking count as a painkiller addiction. Your publicity people put that story out to try and account for your fucking freakish behaviour. MJ: My publicity people. They don't like me Whitney. I know they're plotting against me. Bubbles overheard them. They made me marry that silly blonde woman. WH: What, that dozy bitch who sold you her kids? MJ: No, the other one. Lisa something. The one who kept saying her daddy was more famous than me every time I beat her at animal snap. WH: Yeah, whatever Michael *sniff*, so when am I coming to Neverland? MJ: Whenever you want Whitney. You'll love it here. I've had them make up the bed in the clown room and little Bobbi Kristina will just love the nursery. You are bringing little Bobbi, aren't you? WH: *snnnnooooorrrrtttt* NO FREAKING WAY! Uh, I mean, her daddy doesn't think it would be a good idea to disrupt her schooling at the moment. MJ: Oh, dear. That's too bad. I was so looking forward to playing with her and showing her my monkey. WH: I'll bet you were *sniff*. OK Michael, let's cut the crap here. What I really need to know is how you got off the hook with the child protection people. MJ: What do you mean Whitney? WH: Well thanks to those fucking stories in the National Enquirer we've got social workers poking there nose into our business now, asking if we're fit parents for Bobbi Kristina. Christ Michael, they want to take her away from us! MJ: Oh Whitney, that's awful. WH: *sniff* You're freaking telling me. The record company says it'd be disastrous for sales of the next album if people think I'm a bad mother. So let's cut to the chase, you must have contacts - know which palms to grease. MJ: Uh, yeah, I'll have my people call your people Whitney. They're very good. Look at the job they did for Courtney Love. WH: Shit yeah! *sniff* I was wondering how that smack head kept custody of Frances Bean. *sniff* ta Michael. MJ: That's alright Whitney, so when are you coming to visit? Next week? WH: Uh, yeah, right *sniff*. Tell you what Michael, get your people to get in touch and I'll come back to you on the visiting arrangements. MJ: That's great Whitney. You will come won't you? I get so very lonely. WH: Uh, sure *sniff*. Of course I will Michael. Honest. *sniff*. Uh, I have to go now, Bobby's pulling into the driveway and I have to hide the crack stash. (phone goes dead).
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