The Postman Always Knocks Twice My postman has to die. Extreme measures I'm afraid, but he is leaving me no choice. Why? Because he keeps bloody well waking me up, that's why. Now, as most of you already know, I'm a taxi driver and taxi drivers tend to work anti-social hours, especially at weekends. I take great pains to make sure I'm not disturbed during the day - we've even got the bedroom window blacked out with sheets - trust me, even Dracula could survive a day in my bedroom. However, shortly after we moved to our new house the postman called one Saturday morning and kept battering the door until I got up. He had a registered letter which wasn't even for us. The conversation went something like this: Him: Did I waken you? Me: (Bleary-eyed in dressing gown) Uh, yes. Um, do you see that car sitting there with the great big taxi sign on it? That's mine. I only got to bed two hours ago, so maybe you could bear in mind that I work nightshifts. That, I thought was that. Once the foot and mouth crisis began, we stopped getting our post and had to collect it directly from the post office. Unfortunately it began to be delivered again last week. And the annoying shit of a postman isn't just content with slipping it through the letterbox - oh no, it has to come into the house with a huge amount of rattling of the letterbox. Christ, I can sleep through anything. Two years ago I slept through a bloody Twelfth of July parade which passed underneath my bedroom window. But my postie has managed to waken me up every morning this week. I need my sleep. I mean would you feel safe sitting late at night in a car driven by a woman who is almost hallucinating with sleep deprivation? So I'm afraid Mr. Postie is going to have to meet with a tragic accident. I was thinking about digging a bear pit, with huge spikes, right in front of the door; or even training Gypsy the cat to attack him. We could practise with Sixy dressed in a uniform. Mind you, my favourite solution at the moment would be to wire the letterbox directly into the mains and voila - crispy fried postie. If anyone has any better ideas, post them on my message board - extra points will be awarded for inventiveness and cruelty in the manner of his demise. Right now, I need some sleep.
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